I have a new idea

I can't forget this one... I have an idea for a new one-act inspired by all my friends and their stories of idiotic customers, friend of mine literally ranted at a customer for asking what he can do to smell better... but the guy admitted he didn't use deodorant (and they were in the men's hygiene products area where the deodorant is located).
I imagine it went something like this:
Customer: Excuse me, sir, do you have anything that can help me with my embarrassing smell, I take showers daily but it seems to only work for about 3 or so hours.
Jon (friend): ... Of course, (looks behind him and grabs his personal choice of deodorant) I use this all the time, it really works.
Customer: Hmm, I don't use that stuff.
Jon: Oh, well, then I'd suggest this (hands him some spray deodorant)
Customer: No thanks... I don't like those sticks, they don't feel right and spray stuff gets me all "asthma-y"
Jon: ... Don't you use... Okay let me get this straight, you want to smell good? Then use some deodorant because I don't think we supply wands or elixers called "wiff-away" and- woah, I can tell what you were talking about, here's a coupon (hands a real coupon to him) and just so you know, just like the vegetables your parents told you to choke down as a kid, just because you don't like it, doesn't mean it's not beneficial to your health.
Customer: Oh screw off, you don't know what you're talking about.
Jon: but I do know what I smell, and it's a spoiled idiot. You know what, take this (Hands him a 5$ bill) and this (shoves the deodorant in his hands) it may not feel right, but it smells good.

This is based off of a real event, most of this is true but also extremely exaggerated.
P.S. Tips please, I know my writing isn't the best, but what could I work on to make them better :P


  1. Sounds like a good idea to me.

  2. Sounds like a pretty good idea.

  3. Ewwww!! Who in their right mind wont use deoderant??

  4. the writing is fine, youll get better!

  5. Oh that's funny! These people live among us, they vote, and they breed.

  6. Retail work is full of inspiring idiocy.

  7. When I was working as a receptionist, I met some people and you have no idea how much I wanted to tell them that straight to their face.