Fuck me... With a rake.

I think I might start "Vlogging" because I think a lot of my "jokes" (rants) have timing issues that I can't display also, I think I'm going to try getting my ass in gear and start ranting (posting) every day again... but on the topic of the title.
So recently I've been on Facebook a lot and I usually forget about the "Make everyone leave me the fuck alone" button (Usually is translated into: Every fuckin' time) and I am, as you would say, a pushover, a "beta", and I find it hard to defriend people on Facebook (except for one bitch, but that's another story)
So I'm writing an essay (woo, summer work) and suddenly I hear the noise "Brah-ding"... "What the fuck was that?... Oh yeah, Facebook." and blam, Ex alert.
Me at this moment: Oh for the love of Christ. (as it has been established, I am not too big on religion, I don't hate it, I just can't stand it being preached nonstop (irony, I'm Mormon... kind of), I used "Christ" as an expression to display my disgust.)
So my ex wants to talk to me. All right, no biggy.
Ex: hi
Me: Hello
Ex: wassup?
I am stuck in a state where I am bored at all times, I do not want to talk about how I've done nothing, and I just don't want to talk to my ex so I try shocking her to get her to leave.
Me: I shaved my crotch.
Ex:...
Me: Yes?
Ex: I wax
Goddammit. It did not work. I don't have the balls to say "Fuck off" so I continue chatting with her and making dirty responses to get her off my ass.
Ex: I think mah girlfriend likes me. I told her I was bi and she said "score" and every tuesday she grabs my boobs and says "Innapropriate touch tuesday"
Me: Well I don't blame her, You got some tasty boobs girl, I'd be on 'em all day long and and maybe on a bit more
This is me talking out of my ass trying to get her to leave because when we were together she would smack me over the head for saying something like that.
Ex: ___ is unavailable to chat right now, you may send a message, yadiyadiyada.
SUCCESS!!!
I tell my friend George that I finally got the bitch away from me over chat and he congratulates me and suddenly
Ex: Sorry, I had to help get groceries (she lives with her parents who I am actually good friends with still) and thanks for the compliment.
At the point I opened a Dr. Pepper bottle and just walked away from the computer and rammed my head into the nearest table.

TVR